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Thursday, February 17th, 2011
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12:16 am - whoa!
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I totally forgot I had one of these things!! Tempted to start posting again, but that could be the mania talkin' ;)
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| Monday, April 17th, 2006
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12:39 am
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| Friday, May 27th, 2005
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6:35 am - FUCKING MAYNARD
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| Thursday, April 28th, 2005
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6:52 pm - the damage that was done, the treasures that prevail
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a LIVEJOURNAL entry!!
( Behind a cut because it's quite stupid )
I went to see our little gooselings today but the tide was high, our island was floating, looked so far away. I did get to see Papa Goose/sentinel though, and he is doing quite well, crash landing into the water, gathering food for his wife and kidz.
p.s. OMGZ WHAT DO GEESE EAT
current mood:  restless
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| Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
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10:02 pm - :(
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what better way to distract yourself from a torrent of repressed emotions than to read MORE ABOUT VISITORS* and listen to johnny cash!!
*humanoid beings who think it's cute to take men, women and children when we are at our most vulnerable and make us psychotic and tweek-like
current mood: cool
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005
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7:56 pm - better than lakemen
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| Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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4:33 pm
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There is a reason, YES, a reason for my elusiveness, for my reluctance to commit. And it is a marvelous reason. Oh, it is a miraculous reason.
Do not fear the chrysalis. (just a head's up)
;)
current mood: inspired, annoyed
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 26th, 2005
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10:00 pm
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| Wednesday, March 16th, 2005
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3:30 am - exaltation on the kitchen floor
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I have read about how cricket song, when slowed down to match and mirror the length of the average lifespan of a human being, sounds curiously akin to a choir of angels.
I finally did a google search and listened for myself. Sweet Goddess. I have no words for the beauty of this, this beauty that caused me to fall to my knees a few times and be temporarily insane with awe and wonder.
Life is so strange and beautiful that i often feel i cannot bear it. I'm overflowing with gratitude and a knowingness that is beyond verbal description. I smoosh my brother's face and try to memorize every shadow on his face, every centimeter. I want to infuse the souls of all beings with the knowledge of the intrinsic goodness of the Self, the playfulness at the heart of all things, the divine comedy of being. LOVE. There is no other word to describe this. Love.
We dive so deep, we undergo the shattering of all we once held to be true, our hearts break open to contain new dimensions of love. Life-Death-Life.
Whitley Strieber said that life is far more wondrous than we dare to see. I'm beginning to understand.
http://www.songpeddler.com/ConstanceDemby/GodsCricketChorus_CDemby.asp
current mood: awed, overflowing
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(13 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, March 11th, 2005
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11:21 am - and, has thou slain the jabberwock??
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I'm so tired of this constant obsessing over my body, my physical appearance. The constant beating up on myself over not being exotic enough, not being "feminine" enough, having an oddly shaped body and stupid hair. How incredibly selfish and pointless!! and who cares?!?! There is soooo muuuuchhh mooore.
Our collective notions of what makes a person beautiful are so fickle, so neurotic, so trendy. I mean they fade so quickly. They are distortions, distortions that wreak havoc on our minds and bodies and souls, the shadows that chase us down the long corridors in our dreams. Real beauty, inner radiance, blooms and intensifies with lived experience, with reflection, the passage of time. And with being in our bodies, and with ORGASMS. (heh)
This radiance infuses the cells, penetrating through so that the outer reflects the inner. It happens after we find our child soul starving in the basement covered in garbage and consciously decide to nourish her instead of repressing her. When she learns to dance and play again, it shows in our eyes, and that's what real beauty is!
The wrinkled old crone thus shines with the beauty of remembered spring times, the quiet wisdom of autumn, the promise of laughter after sorrow.
Ah, this is a secret THEY have yet to remember. Maybe someday they'll get it right. gharhalkhra;jkl;j;la;;lfgGRUMBLECAKES AND CRABCAKESa;fk;aqwrajkg;ag
P.S.: A wise woman once said that it is so much easier to try and be better than you are than to be who you are. resonance!! If only I could stop striving so hard and know that i am being held, rocked, cradled by the Goddess. But no. I'm too paranoid to move into myself, i'm afraid there's nothing there.
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| Friday, March 4th, 2005
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6:47 pm - i have been bitten by the livejournal bug that looks like an unearthly visitor.
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the next time lj will get a word out of me is when all the earth becomes apple pie. get it now while the going is good. or skip it if you will! ;)
as you float now, where i held you
and let go, remember, when fear
cramps your heart, what i told you:
lie gently and wide to the light-year stars,
( lie back and the sea will hold you. )
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| Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
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4:35 pm
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i had a dream in which i stated here that livejournal is the freakin' epitome of narcissism.
then i said, "so long, and thanks for all the fish."
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
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10:13 pm - Two things:
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1. 'Of course not,' said the Mock Turtle: 'why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I should say "With what porpoise?"'
'Don't you mean "purpose"?' said Alice.
'I mean what I say,' the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone.
2.'Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?' Alice asked.
'We called him Tortoise because he taught us,' said the Mock Turtle angrily: 'really you are very dull!'
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
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7:22 pm - the space between us all
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i do believe that if you were to visualize deeply enough, intensely enough, then you can attain whatever you desire. it's happened to me on several occasions.
but i keep wondering, what is the difference between visualizations and mere daydreams?
i'm constantly daydreaming, but what are they? maybe whisperings from our higher selves, echoes of where our lives might take us if we desire deeply enough. but then how come it seems as though i'm at a stand-still? how might we make these daydreams manifest into the physical realm?
at which point do these daydreams become visualization, and at which point do these desires manifest? like, where is the catalyst here?
the law of attraction, on a universal scale, would state that whatever you need most will be magnetically drawn to you when the time is right. especially if you look within, and start to take notice of all the strange and unusual occurrences around us. some people don't care either way, and they subconsciously block whatever it is they're lacking from coming to them. if they only knew! (as i was typing that last proclamation, i heard george's voice from the cd player saying exactly the same thing.)
if we were to pay closer attention to "coincidences," i think that would trigger a sort of metaphysical chain reaction, in which synchronicity would gradually lead us to discoveries and realizations and. and. things that we thought we never knew, but in fact we'd only really forgotten them.
but i'm currently (and have been) facing the predicament of figuring out how to lift mental and spiritual barricades in order to allow further progress. i s'pose there is the meditational method. but sometimes it's the lack of motivation that is so crippling, and the urge to just daydream constantly while the earth turns and life just rolls along. but can't it be said that daydreaming itself is a form of meditation?
so now, as usual, my thoughts have spiraled full-circle, back to the beginning. i guess i will continue wondering how one makes the transition from mere daydreaming to effective visualization.
i'm thinking in metaphysical terms again! aggaarghh!
i'm glad though, because it provides intense stimulation to nearly every aspect of myself.
lj entries may get long and weird though, so skip over 'em if you feel the need.
current mood: curiouser
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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6:46 pm - people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
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must stop living inside my head. you know when you just spend so much time alone that you get so sick of yourself and want to escape?
but then again, when i'm with people i still feel the need to escape. go fig.
i find myself writing in lj more often. hrm. i guess the arm is sick of writing with a pen.
too many fantasies, not enough physical manifestation of them. all i do is daydream, and i neglect everything else.
and i keep desiring things (people) that i can't have. people who are dead, or have forgotten about me, or are just unattainable for various reasons.
i'm craving an intense convo with someone. about existence and infinite possibilities. one of those conversations in which everything else blurs and all that exists are you and the person. those used to happen quite often. they were my source of inspiration and purpose. i miss passion and excitement.
this is the world of illusion, yes? yes.
current mood: eh
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3:06 pm - make love all day long, make love singing songs
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forgive me if my entries seem annoying, but i've been more introspective than usual lately, and aching to get some things out of my system.
i stayed in bed today till 3, not because i was feeling particularly lethargic, sad, hopeless or anything. but because it just felt right. i needed to do some reflecting. and it was just so comfortable, and i felt so free staring up at the patches of blue sky that are visible from my window.
last night i cried out to the universe, for a sign, a reminder of why i'm still here. and then i proceeded to have one of the most intense dream sequences i've ever had. and they are all pretty intense to begin with.
last night i wrote about the far away places of my dreams. and how desperately i need to reach them, and also a reminder to myself about how precious life is, and to remember this when all seems lost. i started talking to myself, saying please, keep on writing, keep on laughing, keep on living. you have so much to live for, please, remember that life is a beautiful gift. never forget this, even when the pain rises up and you want to free yourself from all of this, please, keep it close to your heart, carry it in your little locket. everything must pass. please, remember, this too shall pass.
i woke up today feeling as though i fulfilled some epic quest. it was only the journeys of my dreams, of course, which i've only begun to record on word pad. it will take a while. i might not even finish, but i hope i do.
i woke up with a george harrison lyric in my head.
make love all day long, make love singing songs..
i often dream of music, and the melody lingers in my mind during my waking life. usually i'm composing some music in my dream, and usually it sounds like windchimes or something. but anyway. i have things i must do, and miles to go before i sleep.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 12th, 2003
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11:32 pm
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So, it's back to writing in my own private journals--I've neglected them for too long. Lj is addictive. Agh! And I hold back so much, anyway. I'll continue writing random, nonsensical, vague lj entries about daily comings and goings and whatnot, every now and again. But my heart will remain absent from this, for the most part..until I decide to like myself a little better.
Still uneasy about displaying my thoughts and emotions in public. Anndddd still pissed off at myself for holding things back from others, from myself. I've been lying to myself! I need to heeeal. I need a haircut. And I need to stop feeling like I've recently been fangoriously devoured by a gelatinous monster.
I want to make a different screen name, but I am fresh out of ideas. complain.
::makes incoherant noise, that sounds a little like "mimi"::
All I wanted to do today was watch Marry Poppins with my estranged sib (who needs to contact his sib-soon).
Ah! As I was typing that last bit, "D" just called.
s-y-n-c-h-r-o-n-i-c-i-t-y ;)
(/private references)
Okay. I'm in the mood for an old Simpsons episode... watched Mr. Bergstrum soooo many times, too recently. Perhaps Principal Charming... yes.
current mood:  dorky
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
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8:27 pm - going for walks clears the mind, and makes me think of lewis carroll
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'Twas....
brillig--and the slithy toves
did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
Allll
mimsy--were the borogoves
annnd the momeraths
outgra-a-a-abe....
current mood: lakdfl;ajretag
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 3rd, 2003
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9:12 pm - why am I obsessed with New Orleans whores??
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I don't even know how the obsession started. I just remember getting swept up in early 20th century curves and hips and bodices and dreaming of a life long-passed. But anyway;
Hampshire was good. I stayed at this beautiful Inn, a Victorian house built in 1850. Gorgeous! Gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. Ah. Huge, comfy bed. Spacious rooms and doorways, old old furniture, old old photographs, deep sensual reds and earthy colors, velvety drapes--pre-Raphaelite paintings up the arse--there was an Ophelia painting in my room, and Miranda-The Tempest right outside the room. I have an immediate feeling of reassurance and safety whenever I see a John William Waterhouse, no matter where I am.
The interview, I think, went okay. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed about the whole college process thing. I haven't yet begun filling out applications, and I rarely do school work.. I have 0 extracurricular activities. And I'm extremely shy. Extremely. Or maybe...it's not exactly shyness. Because I'm not really shy when I'm talking to people. It's something I can't place, something from within that I thought I had gotten away from. I'm not happy with myself. no no no. I feel like a shitty writer and an ugly awkward girl. I feel dim-witted and alone. whiiiiine.
Anyway, Massachusetts is beautiful. The foliage was breathtaking, and the town (Amherst) is very vegetarian-friendly. There were many hot people there. There were also many snobbish ones, you know, the collegy "international communications majors." (right, sib?)
I feel like such an outsider, like I'll never find my place. I guess it's a feeling that is typical to adolescents.
And the outside world fucking scares me, to be honest.
I don't want to feel this intimidated, but it cannot really be helped and thus I am angry with self.
whiiiiine again.
Anyway, I'm off to read...erm, probably an Ayurveda book. Oh! Forgot to mention the most exciting part of the last couple of days--that is, of course, me finishing American Gods!! Brilliance, pure and simple. He manages to articulate things that live deep inside my soul and torment me in my dreams and make it hard to distinguish them from "reality." I want to have 10,000 of his babies, needless to say.
current mood:  tired
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 13th, 2003
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1:21 am
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whythefuckwouldhe
callwhenallhesgonnadoisbesilent
andstupidandnoteventalkwhat
thefuckishisproblemits
infuriatingweweresoclosewhathappenedwhathappenedtothemagickand
thebeautyandthebrillianceandthedreamsihate
lasflsjtopaiwtjsplgjljsdfg;dlg
Tonight I remembered that I am a teenager. Not that I feel less alienated, oh no. Just that I am a teenager, with some teenage friends who drive around and listen to techno and blast oldies sometimes just for the fun of it, with the windows down so people would give strange looks.
Techno bores me after a few minutes. We switched to some medieval music eventually, but not soon enough.
It's weird. But it was a much needed change of pace. I want to move to a hippie town. I need hippies, or something. I need to feel a part of something, cause I never do.
And I've been so down on myself lately, feeling a bit insane and in a dark place that I thought I had left.
I don't know. I just need to experience profound connections, with people other than the characters in books. I feel so empty.
current mood: i don't know
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rhodora's journal
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